A Christmas vision

 Dear Jeanie,

Merry Christmas. I am in Arizona the valley of the sun, the place where you were born, the place where you left this world. I am sorry for what happened to you and I am sorry I couldn't fix you. But, I do know in my heart that I tried the best I could. I wish I could've adopted you and E. I'm sorry our childhood was so painful. Especially for you. I know it was a constant struggle and I wish your life could've been better. I wish you would've seen how much we all loved you. 

As I think of you on this day, know that I love you. I always feel you in my heart when I see something beautiful, just as you were. I feel this void in my heart and it is hard to heal, but I am finding ways to move forward. I promise that I won't fall into the abyss of self destruction by soothing myself in unhealthy ways. I will do my best to live my life fully and healthy. I will continue to visit you weekly in my yoga class. I always look forward to these visits. I have gotten so good at visualizing where you are that I can close my eyes and visit you instantly. 

I climb up the white ladder into a portal of another world where the season is the same. Today I imagined it was winter and snow is lightly falling. I feel the crunch beneath my feet as I walk to your Montana style cabin with a porch of rocking chairs for all who have left this earth. You see me approaching from the doorway and you wave, smiling and giggling your contagious giggle. You always made people happy with your laughter. Your smile is peaceful and content. You yell to me "Merry Christmas Missy!" as the dogs and Kiddy run out to greet me. Cosmo, Monti, Jazzie, Kiddy, and Oscar are at your feet. As I approach your cozy home, I hear your handsome, kind husband say 'Merry Christmas' to me from a stove of delicious smells. He is a simple man and treats you like a queen by making things for you and showing you love. This time, he is stirring something in a pot and I see it's apple cider with cinnamon sticks and cloves so the house is fragrant with Christmas. 

Mom and dad are always doing something peaceful with their parents. On this Christmas day, dad is young and fit like always and he's preparing the turkey with the help of Grandpa Sullivan making sure he adds all of the necessary trimmings. Grandpa Harley is playing with your two children that are fraternal twins, a boy and a girl. They both have auburn hair like you and are wearing red. They are laughing as he lifts them up and twirls them around. He manages to hold his pipe in his mouth as he laughs his unforgettable laugh with his blue eyes twinkling. He says "Merry Christmas doll." and continues to play with your children laughing his hearty laugh. It's contagious like yours. Uncle Walter runs up and tickles the twins as grandpa places them on the ground. They love climbing on him and laugh as they tackle him to the floor. He laughs and embraces both of them saying "I got you two," and they looks up at me and says "Merry Christmas!" The twins giggle in delight and continue to wrestle their uncle.

Grandma Mary and mom are arranging Christmas flowers on the table and they are calm and loving with each other. Grandma lightly touches mom's hand as she places a tall flower in the center of the arrangement and says "Merry Christmas! We are happy to see you." Grandma compliments mom on her pretty red dress she is wearing for the day, "You look beautiful Patsy. I love you." Mom smiles at her mother and says "Thank you," she turns to me and says "Missy I can't believe you are here," and walks over to hug me.

After I hug my mother, I am greeted by you with a warm embrace. You smell like nature, like the desert after a rain. I touch your long wavy auburn hair and embrace you tightly and say "I love you, Merry Christmas. I miss you." You draw back and look in my eyes and smile and say "I love you too Missy. I hear you talking to me. I will always be with you. Everything will be okay." I tearfully smile back at you saying "I love you. I miss you." I say these words with a feeling of peace knowing you are happy and free of pain, regret, guilt and sorrow.  

I step back and watch you engage with everyone. There is a fire crackling in the fireplace; the house is warm and cozy; the smells from the kitchen and fire are inviting. Everyone is content. Everyone is at peace. I hear nothing but laughter and terms of endearment. There is no fighting, there is no shaming; only love. I stand there and savor the moment and just watch the surrounding room of joy. 

As I get ready to leave and return to my present mind, you always come up to me and hug me tightly and say "I love you Missy. I will see you next time." I am happily smiling and I say, "I love you too. Always." After her hugs mom, dad, and the grandparents follow with warm embraces. Mom says "See you later. I love you." I turn and walk back to my ladder of the real world while looking back and waving to everyone. They are looking at me and waving goodbye and saying "see you next time," along with the dogs that are barking and happily panting. Kiddy is meowing in a rocking chair and purring as the twins run over to pet him. 

I slowly climb down the ladder feeling a sense of peace and rejuvenation. I enter my earth body and open my eyes to my living world. Each time I return I feel calm and content. I take the memory of these visits into my day and spread joy to all around me. I know my living world isn't perfect and people are in pain. But I do my best to live and enjoy life while remembering you my sweet sister. I promise I will continue to give my children the life you deserved. I promise I will love our brothers even when they are angry. I promise that I will always make an effort to bring our family together. I promise to remember the good times we had and learn from the challenges. I will find a way to celebrate you often. I know you will always be with me. I love you.

"Everything will be okay"

My baby sister died this year. It really sucks and I miss her so much. It's almost Christmas time and it's really hard without her here. I miss her laugh, her humor, talking to her and just being with her. I think of her every day whether it be a memory, a song, or just that she's with me. I hope she is. I feel like she is. One of my ways of visiting her is in my yoga class. When I go into a meditative mode at the end of class, I imagine myself climbing this ladder to another portal where I am in a place that is currently the season here in my earth world. I see a log cabin, very simple with a porch. It has a big porch with rocking chairs for my sister, her husband, my mom, dad, and grandparents. Jean waves to me from the entrance and smiles her beautiful, perfect smile. She is young, she is beautiful, her skin is like porcelain and her hair is long and flows with every movement she makes. I hear her laugh and her greeting with a wave "Hi Missy!" We embrace and I feel her hug and stroke her hair like I did when she was little when I shared a room with her and tried to get her to sleep at night. 

Jean is always wearing a long dress or sometimes jeans with a pretty top. For some reason she always has cowboy boots too which goes along with where she is. Her log cabin is rustic, cozy and feels like a home you would see in Montana. After we embrace and hug she tells me she loves me and that she is sorry for leaving me and my family, but she is no longer in pain. She is happy with her husband she never met, whom is tall, has dark hair and a genuine smile. Her children are fraternal twins. They don't have names, but they are miniature versions of her with auburn hair. They stay young forever just like she does. Every time I visit they are smiling and laughing. They run and play or sometimes my dad and grandfather are swinging them up in the air or playing ball with them. My mom is young, happy and her face is peaceful she is always smiling. Dad is young, fit and still making everyone laugh. He also likes to dance with mom every now and then when I visit. Grandpa is young like he was in the war and he smiles every time he sees me and says "hello doll." My grandmother is with him and she is happy and is always holding his hand. She is young and her smile is radiant when she sees me. I hear her laugh with my grandfather as they play with Jean's twins. Cosmo, Monti and Jazzie are also with Jean and they run free in the fields near their log cabin. The last time I visited her it was winter and everything was cozy. There is no technology, just music playing always. When I spend time with her I tell her things like "I miss you, I love you." I also tell her about how sad I am that my other brother, Jeff, isn't speaking to me. She always responds with a hug and tells me "everything will be okay." Which leads me back in my mind to where I see my body now sitting in yoga class and my teacher says these exact words. I hug Jean and my family and run to the portal to get back to the present day of life on earth and when I open my eyes I am calm and content. And I still feel the warmth and love of my sister.