Today I am 49. Wow, I cannot believe I made it this far. As I said in my last post, birthdays weren't big celebrations in my immediate family. But, I've decided to change that for myself. Birthdays ARE a big deal in my little family of 5 (including my dog) and I am especially going to savor mine according to my standards. It was the day I was born and brought into this world to create goodness, kindness and service. This year I am going to talk better to myself. I am going to be more gentle with my words in my head. I am going to see the good that happens every day, even when it is a sad day or a day where everything falls apart. Because life is precious, it is fragile and beautiful.
The Last Year of my 40s
Tomorrow I am entering the last year of my 40s. It may be morbid to think of it that way, but that is the reality. This thought helps me to embrace my existence. AS I AM. These days women our age are bombarded with images of beautiful women conveying the message of perfection. Whether it be through the JLO's or the ads pressuring you to try this product to look 10 years younger. Don't get me wrong, I want to look good, but I want to look good for MYSELF, not for the world.
I've always had trouble finding the pleasure in celebrating my birthday due to my parents rarely showing excitement for the day I was born. The majority of the time was spent on doing something they wanted to do rather than asking me. Since this is how I was brought up, it has been difficult for me to celebrate my life. But this year I've decided to STOP IT. Next year I am approaching 50. That is a BIG deal; a big number. As everyone says, "half a century old." Yikes. It's true. So, do I want to spend the last year of my 40s being depressed and anxious about my life? NO. I am going to find ways to improve my health and my life.
1. I am no longer going to compare myself to other women. I am me. I can make healthy choices for myself and I know the formula. Let's be real, there is no magic potion. Move every day in whatever brings you joy and eat whole foods as much as possible. Sleep is so important too. If you are having troublesleeping, be an elementary school teacher; you will fall asleep at 7:30 and wake up bright and early the next day to make time for yourself.
2. I am no longer going to say "it is what it is." Or at least try not to. I am now going to choose how to react within my circle of control. Can I control what is happening with the pandemic? Can I control the world issues we see today? NO. The only thing I can control is my perception. I can control what I say. I can control what I choose to do each day and find ways to be kind and productive in my community. Teaching is a huge part of my role in helping.
3. Don't let the squids ruin your day. You know these people. They are TOXIC. Stay away. Just smile, nod and say "Thanks! Have a great day!."
4. I have high school kids. Let's just say teenagers are HARD. We've been through most of the challenges and they have tested us many times. But, it doesn't last forever. I am no longer going to question whether I am a good mother. Did I get help when needed? Yes. Do I talk to them? Yes. Am I their life cheerleader? Absolutely. I have realized they are going to make mistakes. This is life. Mistakes help us grow. Perfection isn't reality and they will make their own decisions regardless.
5. And finally....I heard this quote the other day, "When we accept ourselves, we truly shine." I am going to accept myself. I am accepting my traumatic childhood because if it wasn't for that experience, I would not be the person I am today. If people don't accept me, oh well. Their problem, is not my problem. I am human and I am allowed to have emotions. If I am sad, I will express it and get emotional. If I am angry, I will do my best to express it (I am working on this more). I am not a robot.
As the cliche goes, life is short. This statement is so true. I think it's important to ask ourselves "why are we here? What is my role? What is my passion?" But, I also believe we cannot drown ourselves in anxiety and depression when seeking the answers to these questions. I don't want to live the life of the world and let it control me. I just want to be. Cheers to 49!
Whose story are you living?
We are living in challenging times. The times of COVID, the new variants, vaccinated v.s. unvaccinated, unrest in the world and the effects of our carelessness in taking care of our earth. It can all be so overwhelming and scary. As I approach the end of my 40s, I've decided that I am not going to allow the world to dictate my happiness. This world includes my family and friends. I am not going to allow the world to decide what is best for me. The world is not my story. I AM my story. Just me.
My life has been complicated and a roller coaster of emotions. For the last four years, I've been dealing with my past. My trauma from childhood. The trauma of a mother with a plethora of psychiatric conditions that have never been diagnosed or treated. She suffers from dissociative identity disorder through cultural identity, narcissism and now dementia in her early 70s. My mother lived a troubled life from the day she was born. Her mother, my grandmother, never really wanted her. My grandmother got unexpectedly pregnant with my mother after WWII. She was of Japanese/Filipino descent living in Shanghai, China. My grandmother met my grandfather, a Navy sailor, through a blind date organized by her brother in law. I don't know how long they dated, but she did end up pregnant. I know that my grandmother was previously married to a Japanese soldier that died during the war and also had two children. After the war, she had to send her two children back to Japan to live with their father's family. Never to be seen again. Trauma.
My grandmother is pregnant and wants to be with my grandfather, who also suffered trauma hearing and seeing his friends die during a naval battle at sea on a ship in the Pacific during this horrific war. My pregnant grandmother and my grandfather are standing near the Huangpu River, a main river in Shanghai, when he tells my grandmother she cannot accompany him back to the United States. In her grief and believing she would rather die than stay in Shanghai, my grandmother pregnant with my mother, jumps into the Huangpu River ready to end her life. My brave grandfather jumps in to save her and agrees to marry her. He goes back to the United States with the Navy. Months later, my grandmother with my infant mother joins my grandfather in the state of Illinois.
My grandmother is not accepted by my grandfather's family. She experiences severe racism due to her Japanese heritage, but she never feels shame because in her 4'8" frame she stands her ground against anyone who crosses her. She believes in her "bushido," her Japanese honor. My grandmother tries to pass this on to my mother and her brothers, but the views of the world after WWII against Japanese greatly affect their pride in Japanese heritage. My mother is ashamed of who she is. She is ashamed to identify as an Asian American. My mother experiences severe racist, violent acts from the world around her. As a consequence of this trauma, she develops dissociative identity disorder by no longer being Asian, but identifying with the most American identity one can be; Native American. Trauma.
My mother passes this identity on to her children and we believe her lie. Not only does she pass this fake persona onto her children, but also emotionally and psychologically abuses her children through her narcissistic tendencies. These actions have a severe impact on me. The Native American heritage was not an easy identity to accept because of how the world reacts to indigenous people. It took me years to accept, and later finding out that it was no longer who I am, was a big slap in the face. I felt like a joke. I felt worthless. I felt unloved. Trauma.
There are five stages to deal with trauma: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. For the last 4 years, I have gone through all stages. I have good days and bad days, which is to be expected because I am human. At the age of almost 49, I am at the acceptance stage. This past is who I am. I don't let the trauma define me, but I let the experiences help me live my life. I broke the cycle of females in my family allowing trauma to affect our lives. I am proud of that. So, my story is my OWN. I will not allow the world, including my family and friends, to tell me what story to write. I only get one story and I choose mine.
Do You See Me?
Have you ever wondered if people really see you? As if they really see who you are. How much you do, how much you care, how much you try to be a good person. How much you try not to be like toxic family. I don't think they do. They are too preoccupied with their own stresses in life. I don't feel seen or heard, or regarded. I feel pitied. I feel people find me annoying, unimportant, weird, or they think I have it together when I really don't.
I am told I'm a good, kind person. I do believe that about myself. People talk a lot and say nice things, but a lot of times their actions show differently. Sometimes I feel very alone. I feel like I don't have anyone to really talk to, or that the people I have confided in are probably tired of hearing me. They are tired of hearing my pain. So, I get tired. I feel alone.
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