Debbie Downer

 Have you ever felt like when something bad is happening to you people don't give a shit? Probably because most people are selfish and just care about their own little worlds and no one else matters. This is the state of our world. They only care when something drastic happens, like you are hospitalized or dying or even just plain dead. Like my sister. No one cared when she was hurting. People rarely checked in with her. She was struggling always crying out for help, but no one cared.

I'm currently experiencing the same thing. Is my family cursed? Are all of the females in my family doomed to die and live a short life? I consider myself to be one of the most caring people I know. Probably too much, but I don't receive the same in return. Because people are just selfish. 

I look healthy on the inside. I keep my appearance up, I groom myself and make myself presentable. But inside I am not okay. I am struggling. My health has been a concern to me. I don't know what is going on with my body and after a year of trying to find answers, I feel like I'm finally starting to find them. I have spine pain, I have muscle pain, I have joint paint, my head always feels like it's floating, I sometimes have tingling and numbness, I am forgetful, I am tired all of the time, and I am sad most of the time. I hate my job. This place is toxic and nobody truly cares for you. I watch people's actions really well. After having another strange incident yesterday, nobody on my team has even asked me how I'm doing. I get a feeling from them like they think I'm faking it, or it's not that bad. I feel judged all of the time in this building. It's a very judgmental place. I don't feel like people are encouraging at all here. The only time I feel encouraged is my yoga friends.

That's the other thing too. I feel like my friends are too busy with their lives too and don't check in as often anymore. Maybe I'm just a Debbie Downer and no one wants to be around me anymore. I'm not fun anymore. I'm losing passion for things I used to care about. I don't care about teaching anymore because nobody truly cares about me or the system doesn't care about other teachers. We are just here to do a job. Have a medical problem? Leave or don't talk to me about what's hurting you. "It can't be that bad." 

I thought I had another alternative, but it doesn't look like that's going to work out. So, I am stuck in this unappreciated profession that treats women poorly. I'm so tired of being treated poorly and nobody caring. I think it's a trigger for me since my mom didn't care about me. 

As I get older, I just think that's how people are. Even people in your own family. The only people that truly care about me are my husband, my children and a handful of friends. People show their colors more when your life isn't perfect. They don't want to experience or empathize with you. It's too much. 

So, here I sit and wallow in my own self pity and self loathing. I'm losing my spirit and I don't know how to get it back. I'm trying, but it's not working.